Story of my Life

I wish it was easier to get over you, but It’s not. I wish I had the ability that you seem to have: to seem happy. Yeah fall break was nice because I could distract myself for a while so I didnt have to think about you. But then once everything settled down at night, you would pop into my head again and the memories of us would just stay there until I found something else to distract me the next day. 

I keep having dreams about you andit’s killing me. These are fantastic dreams and they make me really happy because they remind me of the great times we had together. They make me sad because when I wake up, I have to keep telling myself that it’s not real and that the dream didn’t happen. 

I want them to happen though but I guess they never will. I dont know how your break went, I guess Ill ask you sometime or whenever you feel like talking to me again. 

I’m not really looking forward to tomorrow. I don’t wanna see you because it makes me sad. I want you to be mine or at least say something to me that shows were we are at. But at the same time I don wanna see you because it still makes my day to see you happy, even if the reason is not because of me (although I wish it was). I just don’t know what to say anymore and it’s going to come down to us talking and figuring this shit out.

I see couples everywhere and it reminds me of you. I have people from home asking about you and how you are doing and all I can say is she’s doing fine or she’s good. In reality, I have no idea. Everything still  reminds me about you and I kind of like it now or at least I’m learning to live with it. And even after all this time, my feelings for you haven’t wavered, but I’m not going to sit here anymore and wait for you to come back. I just hope you come around before its too late.

The feeling I get every morning when I wake up sucks because I know I won’t get a text from you. But on the slightest chance you do, I always check…

I had a dream last night that we got married. Damn it…

All I wanna do is talk to you about us. But I can’t.

If you do read this, just think about us. take some time and give us some thought if you haven’t already. Think about all of the memories and think about were we went wrong. Think about if we could have another chance.

I’m going to want to talk about it sometime and I will accept the answer you give me, I don;t have any other choice do I? I’m willing to fight for you, but I just don’t know if you want me to.

We don’t really talk anymore, and it hurts. I want you to know I’m not giving up on you and us. I can honestly say that even though I didn’t want this to happen, I have gotten my life together and matured. I haven’t changed who I am, I have just become who I know I can be. I want you to know that I have done this because I know it was important to you. I also know that my life goals were important and I have given more thought on what I want in my life. I do want to state that I didn’t do this because I want you back. I did this for me. The time we have had apart has allowed me to really evaluate my life and I just want you to hear me out.

If you asked me to honestly say what I see in my future, here is what I would say. “I see myself down the road, with a happy family, with someone who loves me for who I am. With someone who will support my dreams and I will support theirs. And I see you.”

I know you may not see me their for whatever reason, but I truly believe we are meant to be together. I know we can both support each other’s dreams and can push each other to go for them together. We have a lot of the little things in common and I know not many big goals right now, but things can always change. Goals will be reevaluated and revamped. They will be altered because of the world. Knowing what we had was ended because you did not seeing our goals match up right now makes me sad because I know we can do it. But if thats not the case, and you just don;t love me anymore, then please just tell me. Just tell me that, and even though it will hurt like nothing before, It will allow us both to move on.

Another question is what did you want from our relationship that you didn’t get? What happened to us? Did I not tell you that I loved you enough? Did it not seem like I cared anymore? Did I do something that made you rethink me? Am I still not the person you fell in love with?

I will always have this impossible little hope that you’ll suddenly wake up one day and realize we’re meant to be together. But until then I’ll just go on with my life

I’m not giving up on you for a reason

Maybe you were right. Maybe this will be good for us. I hope that it is and I hope we can work things out in time.

I feel like its impossible to forget someone who you spend a significant chunk of time with, but maybe it’s easier for you. I can’t go on missing you like this forever and eventually I won’t. For now, Ill just keep missing my rain cuddle buddy. 

I wish you would make some time for me, we are friends right?

Every time I feel like I’m doing better, a memory of us pops into my head and then I miss you more. Why couldn’t we just talk this out instead of giving up…

and its still hard. I still think about you a lot and I still have dreams about you. They make me really happy. I’ve also realized that I need to stop hoping you’ll come back, not necessarily giving up hope, but just not letting it get my hopes up. 

I still get sad when I think about you and its because I really miss you. It’s a struggle everyday to not text you or talk to you. I wanna have conversations with you but i know I shouldn’t. The funny thing is today I woke up and though that you may come to my door and ask if I wanted to go to the Humane Society with you. I knew that I was fooling myself into thinking that you would do that but it made me happy I guess.

I dont know why I think about you so much. I also don’t know why I wonder if you even think about me? I guess its because we spent a year of our lives together and then to have you walk out just doesn’t compute in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve accepted it and know that we aren’t together, but it still doesn’t make sense. We could have worked it out, I know we could have. But hey, if you’re happier without me in your life, even though it’ll be hard for me, I’m happy for you. Sooner or later (definitely later) these feelings will go away and I hope we can just talk (there I go hoping again)

The funny thing is now that I hope you read these, I don’t know why but I do. It wouldnt hurt would it? And finally, the craziest thing of all, is that after all of this, I still love you. 

Dreamed of you again, you said you missed me and then kissed me.

Remember when we first met? Remember when we went to breakfast in Low at one in the morning? Remember the first time I said I love you on accident? remember when I said to not be afraid to kiss me? remember the first time we cuddled? Remember the first time holding hands? Remember the first movie we watched together? (Walle) Remember when you asked me if I could call you my girlfriend? Remember all of the silly little things that we would do together? Remember covering me in all of you stuffed animals? Remember the feeling of waking up next to me in the morning? I sure do. Remember what it felt like to see each other again after a few weeks apart? Remember how happy we were? I do. I remember how happy you made me feel. I remember how holding you just made me feel like I was the happiest guy on the planet. I remember waking up next to you and thinking how beautiful you were. I remember the butterflies I used to get when you would hug me. I remember how amazing those first few months were. I remember feeling like i was invincible and that nothing could hurt me. I remember always looking out for you even when you didn’t know. I remember last weekend talking to you. I don’t remember what I said to you but apparently you don’t remember even talking to me. I guess its better off that way. I remember thinking it’s never gonna end, but then so does every person when they are in love. The reality is that at some point in time it does, whether you expect it or not, it happens. It is the most devastating thing that could ever happen when it does. No one like going through a break up and we all deal with it in different ways.

I was doing alright, but I’d have to say today has been one of the hardest. You were in my dreams last night, literally all of them. I woke up so happy for a brief second because I though this whole thing was a dream. But obviously its not. 

I know you’ll never read these but that’s ok. This is just for me, to express myself and just let it all out. Its better that way. In time, I’ll be alright.